Boundaries & the WHY

I've always wanted to protect my friends and family, and I've done so in different ways. My friends are also part of my family in my eyes. Be it for example in front of a cheeky boy in the schoolyard who insulted my best friend and did not stop after attempting a dialogue (after the limousine he had cooled down and stopped being like that ...) or with open ears and advice on lovesickness or other problems .

I was always there for everyone, I wanted them to be fine, to be cheerful and happy. I wanted to show that I am strong enough to be there for her no matter what the situation. Regardless of how I felt, I always looked after them and was there when they needed me. At the same time, on the one hand, I didn't know that I also had the opportunity to ask for help or I didn't want to ask for help either (because I wanted to be strong for her).

Maybe that sounds very familiar to you right now. Maybe you feel the same way in a certain way or you know someone who is always there for you, no matter when and where. That's good, we all need social friends and partners in our lives, but at the same time we shouldn't forget that such "helper friends" also need someone from time to time. But I digress .... (more about helper friends soon >> here <<)

Back then, when I learned a lot from coaches and personality developers, there was a friend who was going through a difficult time. Of course I tried to help her. Listening, looking for advice and solutions for her and what we gradually noticed that she always felt wonderful and optimistic and powerful after our talks and meetings - but I felt more and more exhausted and tired. One of my mentors called this "Energy Sucker" at the time. I noticed at the time that if we change something in our relationship (yes, friendships are like partnerships a certain type of relationship), it would kill me and I didn't want to stay on this self-destructive path. But what should i do? What could i do? After all, she was a friend of mine who was very close to my heart. I didn't mean to hurt her and I was afraid - afraid of her reaction, afraid of the end of our friendship, afraid of change.

Fortunately (or did the universe set it up) then I had an enlightenment through my acting coach! Not now in a spiritual or religious sense, don't get me wrong. But I realized something fundamental.

I am worthy of my friends respecting me, my time, and my well-being as much as I respect them. And that there is a big difference between helping and supporting!

(You can find a very nice and understandable exercise on this as well as more about setting limits in the soon-to-be-published book The Power of No)

When I realized this I asked myself what are my limits, my values and needs. Where do people transgress this? And how can I prevent this from happening or stop if it is already happening ?!

In our example, I asked my girlfriend to go to a neutral place (not with me, not with her, but in a park, relaxed atmosphere and neutral). When we met, I talked to her neutrally but at the same time seriously about what had happened in the last few weeks and how I was doing and that I appreciate her as a friend. I explained to her that so far I have been happy to miss her, but from now on I will "only" support her. Of course, this initially caused some confusion. I showed her the difference and she agreed and understood what I was telling her about our "relationship rules". She agreed.

I had learned to set my limits (for the better for everyone involved, more on that later). But setting limits / rules of the game is only one side. You have to adhere to this (both sides) and if this does not happen, you have to draw appropriate conclusions / findings from it. We discussed these consequences (in the form of, "after 2 violations", to name an example).

In the weeks that followed, our friendship was inspired and on a healthy level. But since I had this helper syndrome for years (and other reasons) old behavior patterns of my friend came to light again. She no longer "respected" my limits.

It should be said here that my girlfriend and other people do not do this out of bad faith (at least most of the time, otherwise they shouldn't be allowed to call themselves friends) but out of ignorance and incomprehension. Of course, learned behavior patterns play a major role in this.

After another conversation and another violation of our rules of the game, I asked for a break. - Yes, it wasn't easy, on the contrary. She was angry and didn't understand me. I felt bad because I really wanted to help her and wasn't used to setting my limits and communicating and there was still this nasty fear on my shoulder ...

 What happened? - Now after about half a year we approached each other again on a healthy level. It is important that you do not act resentful or judgmental, but rather neutral. We have a restart button on a video game. She understood why I acted the way I did and that enabled her to learn and grow as well.

And today? - well;) we are of course great friends and support each other!

And that's just because an experience taught me where my limits are and how I can deal with them.

That all sounds nice, but I come from a household where certain things are simply not possible!

Who says that? Well everyone (here)! - Stop!

We remember: No matter from which position you start, it is up to you to determine, expand or tear down your limits. Your decision!

But how am I supposed to achieve my dream? I do not know how to do it. Don't worry, at this point there were or are millions of people, of all nations, with you. First you should find out what your goal is. Let's take an example.

You finished your school with great difficulty, but missed your high school diploma due to poor grades. Your environment is not your "dream environment" (apartment, house, people, finances, etc.) and your goal, however, is to achieve a high and respected profession in society such as doctor (yes yes yes ... I know ... Classic) or Atronaut (... better?). How can you get out of the small, gloomy prefabricated apartment into space or into medicine? No idea? - No problem. First, take a piece of paper and write down what you want, because goal setting is the first step. Then look for information about this goal (requirements, locations, costs, etc.) everything you can find (internet, libraries, interviews, future employers in this area - yes you can ask them !, career advice ets). Then be realistic, neutral and rational at your starting point. For example, if you need your high school diploma for the goal, there are solutions (evening school, further training, grants, etc.) and then step by step towards your goal - because YOU ARE WORTH THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE AND BE WANT. Just because the original environment doesn't see you in space doesn't mean that you won't be able to wave down to it from the space station in the future.

Do not let anyone tell you that you cannot achieve your goals and dreams, because all that speaks out is the fear, doubt and ignorance of the people (yes, also people who love us). Be the pioneer with you and your environment and show them that there is another way. You can achieve anything you want.