The Power of No Blog Article
The Power of No
By Stephanie Ruß© | February 07, 2021 | Last Updated: February 07, 2021
Today we talk about the word “No” and its power. The power of this little word is often underestimated or directly classified in a negative way. But it doesn't have to be. The word “no” can lead to a positive relationship - you just have to know how.
But first, let's take a look at the facts.
- This word originally comes from the words ni = not and one, and. originally meant "not one".
- The opposite of no is yes.
- It is used to contradict a statement or a call to action
- it can be used to express that an action should be prevented or stopped
- or as an emotional expression (amazement, despair, etc.)
Of course, the word is used in a slightly different way from country to country. However, one can generally say that no is the "negative" answer to a question ...
- STOP - there we have the first important point!
We automatically associate something NEGATIVE with this word. However, if we take a closer look at this, the word “no” expresses a contradiction or asks us to refrain from doing
something. Is that negative? I don't think so.
As the English writer Evelyn Beatrice Hall (1868-1919) said at the time:
“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.“
- Evelyn Beatrice Hall -
Even if you do not like the opinion of the other person or even "despise" it, it is his/her right to express it freely (no, we are not going into a political debate about freedom of expression). Unfortunately nowadays a no is misunderstood and interpreted negatively or even as an attack.
Why is that?
Depending on the way of dealing and communication with each other.
Wait, does that mean that we can communicate differently to turn something with a bad reputation into something positive? - Yes!
Does that mean that no is just as much a part of life as yes? - Yes!
No is often seen as too rigorous, impolite, or inappropriate (it often has something to do with the other person's inner boundaries and understanding). Therefore, children often learn
that a “no” is something “bad” and are trained to say yes.
I would like to note here that I am very proud of a friend of mine who also teaches her child to say when it don't want something (and it's not about defiant phases, etc.). Let's take an example.
Perhaps the situation sounds familiar to you.
The aunt has been visiting again for a long time. And what is/was a typical sentence:
"Oh! Come on and give your aunt a kiss!" / "Oh! Come on, let me give you a kiss!"
Let's take a closer look at that. I like to remind you of Friedemann Schulz von Thun's communication square.
Why does the aunt say that?
The aunt is happy to see the child again and wants to build/maintain a close bond. Relationship: The aunt feels connected to the family (even if she has not been there for a long time) -
aunt/nephew and she sends an appeal: Come give me a kiss on the cheek / let me kiss you.
Now, as is well known, there are two sides to communicate and discussions. The "sender" of the statement and then the "recipient", in this example the child.
How might the child understand the situation?
It remembers this person weakly because of the few contacts. As a result, it may not feel as strongly connected to its aunt as she does to the child. There we have a possible first conflict
(different relationship levels) and the appeal can now lead to rejection of the child due to the relationship level. Not because it generally doesn't like the aunt, but because it simply doesn't
want to be kissed by someone who is strange/unfamiliar to it or wants to give it a kiss on the cheek.
How can it go on now? - Well, the child says e.g. NO. This is a crucial moment for everyone involved. With the no it expresses e.g.: No, I don't want that because I don't know her. -
No is communicated.
In the worst case, the adults ignore the no, smile at them or force the child / pressurize them - pressurize them? If the parents say, for example, "Well! But that's not nice.
It's not proper! You have to greet them properly ..." (and there are other choices of words and sentence positions) that immediately subconsciously teaches the child: Mom/Dad is angry with me
because i wasn't nice ... I have to be nice for them to love me.
And before the big rush comes, most adults are not aware of their choice of words and their effect on their counterparts (no matter how old).
Well, ok ... but how can we just accept a no if we don't understand? Let's go back to the situation. The child says no - aunt is amazed and a little disappointed (after all, the relationship
level is different for her) - the parents could now say, for example: "Ok. It's okay if you don't want that." And in a relaxed moment you can then ask, for example: Would you like to tell me why
you don't want that? The child learns here, it's okay to say if I don't want something (set limits) and I am still loved + the child gets the opportunity to get in closer contact with the parents
and to communicate, which is very positive for family cohesion .
Oh! Did a bad NO just cause something POSITIVE? - Yes ;)
Summary
In order to convert the often falsely negatively burdened no into something positive and to have a positive effect on our environment, communication is essential.
Formulates requests with explanations.
"Can you hand me the flour?" - "No, unfortunately not, I can't get to the shelf." If the relationship level, character traits and interpretations are unbalanced, the mere answer could be "No".
Trigger a heated argument because the other person does not understand why the request is being refused.
So there is nothing bad about saying NO when something is not possible or does not fit your values and norms, or someone exceeds your own limits. On the contrary, it allows you to change
and grow your relationships for the better.
Now that you know the word no a bit better, check out our Fact Video!
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